April 30, 2016

When a Door Closes

They say another one opens. When something comes to and end, it's the start of something new. Circle of life and so on. Today my cousin will most likely give birth to her second child.

My grandad, pappa, past away some time ago and his funeral is today. Not necessarily the best way to spend Finnish "Vappu", but I guess funerals are one sort of celebration - along with all the sorrow, mourning, crying, family trying to let go of the lost one funerals are a celebration to honour the deceased, their life among us and all their achievements. I have to be honest and tell you that I wasn't that close to my pappa as some of you may be with your own grandparents. He was my mother's father who loved to play the accordion and harmonica, go to dances and fix bikes. He also used to hunt and had a summer cottage. He was a widow, and I never met my grandmum. They had four daughters, and since then pappa has been blessed with ton of grandchildren and grandgrandchildren. He had dated some women after mummo past away (in 1984?) and re-married with this really nice and fun lady. She's the one I knew as my pappa's wife, my step-grandma. They lived a long life together and they always seemed very happy to me. After she past away some years ago it was just my pappa alone again. But he had his dear hobbies and lots of friends. His bikes and his music.

Years passed and he started forgetting things, like most of us will eventually. Personally I first noticed it by birthday cards. Simple, little thing really. I didn't even expect him to ever remember my birthday, yet alone send me anything since I'm such a fool myself that I don't really send cards.. (I do give lots of gifts to my close ones) I knew he had this big calendar hanging on the wall, with the names and birthdays of all of his close ones. He was special in that way. And I'm not sure if he had ever missed my birthday, or Christmas, until the cards just stopped. He had aged a lot since I was a little girl, so it was only a matter of time really. Or maybe he just decided to stop posting.. Nevertheless. That was when pappa started to seem even wurther away. And I should have woken up by now.

But, it's not okay to say "I should have this and that.." You - should - have when it was the time, when he was still alive. It's too late to start wondering what if I had visited him more often and get to know him better. I never really knew him much. Just things about him. I'm 29 now, and I suppose if all of our meetings were squeezed together into one big meeting it would last one whole year maybe ..? Max. Quite sad when you think about it. He was a really fun guy after all. And based on all the old photos really cute one back in the day! One of my older cousins reminds him a lot actually. And I guess I never even realized that until now.

But my last memory with him was sweet. It was his last birthday party and all the girls, big and small, took him to dance for few steps at a time. It seemed slow and kind of sad to me, it was a party and his big party after all! So when it was my turn to take the lead, I put up the speed a bit and we twirled around, and made everyone laugh. It was fun for pappa, I know that for sure.. And that is the memory I wanted to keep for myself as the last one. Laughing, smiling and dancing happy pappa.

And today I will say goodbye.

x I painted this yesterday and I'm not sure if it's even relevant to the subject .. but I wanted to add some photo to the post. It doesn't have a name, I am not a painter, this was just for "mind flow".. Feel free to interpret it in any way you want but I have my own background story. x