March 31, 2017

You Had Me at Hello


The last bit reminded me of something my mum has said at least a few times, when browsing through my instagram profile:
"Does he see that?"
he = any guy I've mentioned, within past years
that = something I've posted, like poems or quotes.

Oh, mama.. ❤
Truth is, I don't really mind. Of course I do care what other people think of me, but that's only human. If I haven't blocked someone, they have the means and every right to view my profile with all of its content. And note this, everything I post is not even always related to my own life or feelings. They're just words. Inspiration, wise or amusing thoughts that I just like to share. I'm not a poet myself and often just happen to find something clever.

But why should I really even care what people think? Or even the "he"? I'm always trying my best to be real and honest in communication, and also expect the same from others. If I have something nice to say or problems with anything, people involved will know that in real life - and not based on my social media activity. People close to me - which also means anyone whose opinions really even matter - will know the truth. And if not, then that's because I do like to keep a certain amount of distancy. No one knows everything that goes on in my head - not even myself most of the time. :D

So, back to the original topic of being yourself. When it comes to relationships, how are you supposed to find anything real - or better said, something lasting- if you're not sincerely your own self from the very start? Since my last breakup and some wrong calls, I've made a decision or more like a promise to myself, to keep my eyes open and get to know people. Just listen to that other person, watch how they behave in different situations, and try to detect any warning signs. Your gut tells you if something's off. And whether this is a real match or not.

I've been officially single for nearly three years now, and even with all the low points counted, I've probably had the most serene and clear minded time of my life. It could be called happiness. And even though I did often feel sad, alone or frustrated, I knew how to pursue happy moments. Instead of searching for it in every person I meet, by taking time for myself - alone. Who am I and what sets my bruised little soul on fire. And when a well-balanced stage of self-knowledge and/or -love is achieved, I could have room for another person. Not to fill emptiness, not to complete me, but to become an extension of me. { Add image of Siamese twins here, haha! }

And what other people may call as my biggest obstacle or a huge mistake when meeting new people (read: men), has actually been all for the sake of finding the one. I have, and will very likely continue to lay all the cards on the table. I will speak my mind about pretty much anything I'm curious about, and hell yes I won't apologize for being myself! Yes, I may ask a lot of questions sometimes, but I'd rather seem like a rookie with dating rules ("men like bitches / "let him do the chasing" etc. is really just BULLSHIT....) and I'd rather fail and fail once more, than to take a risk of ending up with someone completely un-comparable. Yes, while doing so I may seem "too interested", naive and crazy person who just scares everyone away. It has happened so many times already, that I stopped counting and instead let those guys go their merry way! :D

But what the hell are you doing with someone in the first place if you're NOT interested in them? Personally, I have only one tip. Let it show. What do you really even have to lose? Your pride? That luxury has gone out of my window long ago. I do admit that when I really really like someone, I get a bit scared. Not of losing them, because I'm quite used to it and know there's plenty of other fish - but rather losing my own face. I always keep a certain barrier around me, because there's been too many Troyan horses in my history. And I do hold back my enthusiasm, and try not to seem too interested because everyone used to vanish. Past still haunts me in that way, and I do have a lot to learn when it comes to real life situations.

I may be such a romantic at heart that I believe in "You had me at hello." If not love, then interest in someone, at the very first moment you meet or start to interact. When you instantly begin to care for another soul, from the very first sight. It doesn't mean romantic necessarily, but it's the solid base to  build a love story on. Instead of playing all these twisted mind games, why shouldn't we just be real. That would save a lot of each others time and our valuable nerves. (I fear there's a tumor size of my fist inside my head due to all the migraines, heartache and crying I've had to go through in my past!) Quit acting a role you think you're obliged to play. It's not a very successful technique to seem more sane than you truly are. If you're goofy, act goofy. If some funny photo or article reminds you of the guy, why not send it to him and laugh about it together? And if he doesn't get the joke, drop that lame ass! And when you really think of it, isn't it quite unfair to the other part to first capture a guy by acting all nice and easy to handle, then "seal the deal", only to let all the circus festivities begin after the ring of wedding bells?

Acting this way, as genuine and probably as naive as a girl can seem, I've usually got rid of all men. Well boys. All the wrong boys and men, before finding the right one. If only someone would have told me this 13 years ago:

If you seek love, be yourself.

Writer just turned 30, is unemployed and still single. Kind of.